Sasquatch comes up to me often and tells me she loves me and every single time she follows with the question, “Are you happy?” This is super-adorable except those times she asks me and I’m really NOT happy. Not wanting to lie I usually launch into an explanation about why I’m not exactly happy. I found the question mildly irritating at those times, but I have come to notice something: she pays careful attention to my answers. She is truly interested in how I’m feeling. It got me thinking about my own conversations with others. What a simple direct question that cuts right to the root of someone’s life. We usually ask each other, “How are you doing?” and usually get a fairly generic response (I’m fine, I’m good, I’m tired). But to ask someone if they’re happy has one of two answers, that will inevitably be followed by a why or why not. Not only is it a great question, but how often do we actually listen to the other person’s answer? Talk about convicting. So, are you happy?
Ever have one of those days? It all starts after church (doesn’t it always?). It seems Satan wants to erase any smidgen of what you learned that day as fast as he can. Going anywhere with three kids is tiring, and church is no exception. When we get home I just want to get everyone fed, Sir Smiley out the door, and then have a few moments of quiet. But that’s not what happens. It all starts with King Toot. The day has gone well, church was great, chatted with friends, and lunch was underway. I was mildly annoyed with massive amount of urp he was slowly spewing down his shirt and pants. Nothing too bad though, I would just change his outfit when I change his diaper. But then King Toot decides he’s hungry…..NOW! (He has impeccable timing…as always). So I frantically try to finish packing lunch and dinner for Sir Smiley and get the girls seated with their lunch. Needless to say this is not the relaxing experience I was needing. I get everything done and sit down to feed King Toot while the girls eat. I tried to grab a moment of calm as they all eat, but instead I went from annoyed to frustrated as Sasquatch spilled her milk all over the table I had just carefully cleaned. I knew in the back of my head that it was an accident and not her fault, but it took a lot of praying to keep my cool as I put King Toot down (who was not happy to have his meal interrupted) and clean up the spill. After I finish and resume feeding King Toot, Urpling managed to stick her sleeve in her applesauce…all the way into her bowl I might add. This was quite the feat as I had rolled her sleeves up almost to her armpit. I’m still not sure how she managed it. She then tries to wipe it off but gets it all over her face, tray and hair. Again, I know it is an accident and that she really was trying to help but that was starting to matter less and less as my mood worsened. I put King Toot down again and clean up Urpling while listening to King Toot scream his displeasure at me for being interrupted. Finally, all the kids are fed. I put King Toot down and bring Urpling to the bathroom to try and go potty. Much to my delight she does and earns a sticker. While this goes on I hear a thud. My excitement at the successful potty time was killed by the discovery that Sasquatch had been spinning with the laundry basket only to lose control and have it hit the wall leaving a big dent. Great. I go to put Urpling to bed only to discover that in the five minutes since we had been to the potty she had managed to poop a massive poop that filled her diaper and then some. So another outfit change later and I have her in bed. I change King Toot out of his urp soaked outfit only to have the next outfit dirtied by a massive poop of his own. By the end of all this, I had yelled at all of my kids several times. The sad part is, that while it had been a difficult afternoon, none of them had been naughty. It was a series of unfortunate events but unfortunately my kids took the brunt of my resulting bad mood. The wicked witch of the west had come out and she’s a hard one to get rid of when she comes to visit. The inevitable visitor that comes after the witch is guilt. A few minutes of prayer later and I managed to calm down enough to go an apologize to each of my kids before they settled down for their naps. I may not be able to reverse time and improve my attitude, but I can at least admit to my kids when I was wrong. Now to go rest a bit myself in the hopes of finishing the day better than our afternoon went.
Last night Sir Smiley and I decided to watch a movie together once the kids were in bed. (Real Steel, which was a very entertaining movie by the way) I was exhausted, but Sir Smiley and I hadn’t had much alone time together so I wanted to carpe diem. (that’s right, I threw some Latin at you) I was thinking, “I’ll just take a nap tomorrow”. Yes. You read that correctly. A nap? Temporary insanity is all I can say to that. Enter today and my “nap”. I put both girls down for their naps. Then I turn to King Toot. He wanted none of that. I tried rocking him. I tried playing with him. He looked tired, acted tired, rubbed his eyes, but did not want to miss a thing. I finally bounce him to sleep and then tip toe to my bed. Then comes Sasquatch from the bathroom, “Mommy!”. “Mommy, I pooped! Can you come wipe me?!”. *sigh. So off I go to help my oldest daughter clean herself. Then back to bed. Then a telemarketer calls. If they had been physically in the room with me, a gruesome scene would have occurred because King Toot added to the rings with his own sounds… mainly crying and yelling. So back to square one. I finally manage to get him back to sleep, but again, he only sleeps for about 15 minutes. I start to give up hope as I go to get him. But as I walk into view, he falls back asleep. Of course. Hope, the torturer of all mothers, sprang back to life as I headed back to bed. Only to be brutally killed by the sound of Urpling’s door opening. She comes out of the room well rested and ready to play. End scene.
Yesterday afternoon Sir Smiley was headed off to donate blood. On the way there he saw a guy pushing a shopping cart filled with Tide and diapers. Odd as this was, he also kept peering behind him as he walked. “Hmmmm” thought Sir Smiley, “this doesn’t look suspicious at all.” Sure enough, a grocery store manager comes jogging down the road while frantically talking on his cell phone. Sir Smiley pulls up to the manager and asks him if the guy with the cart had stolen from them. Sure enough, he had. So Sir Smiley whips a u-ey and catches up to shopping cart dude. Sir Smiley leaps out of the car, whips out his badge and yells, “Get down on the ground!”. But of course instead of complying, shopping cart dude ditches the goods and takes off running yelling “I didn’t do anything!” over and over again. So Sir Smiley leaves his car in the lane of traffic and starts chasing him. Shopping cart dude uses the brilliant strategy of weaving in and out of traffic on foot to avoid capture. He ran to the median and as he gets there another man runs from behind Sir Smiley and…..BAM…..tackles shopping cart dude. He gets shopping cart dude in some kind of marshal arts hold. Sir Smiley helped grab his arms and discovers marshal arts dude is a cop from the same department. Finally a third vehicle stopped so Sir Smiley flashed his badge and then realized this third dude was also a cop from his department. The local department (as they were in a different department’s jurisdiction) shows up and arrests shopping cart dude and Sir Smiley heads back to his car, only to realize his car is no longer there. He starts walking back but a fourth guy came up and gave Sir Smiley his keys back. Apparently this good Samaritan had moved Sir Smiley’s car out of the lane of traffic for him. His good deed done, Sir Smiley continues on his way to donate blood.
I have a notebook I have named Quotables. I started it when Sasquatch was about 2. Being such a verbal kid she was saying hilarious things that I didn’t want to forget. I am including my favorites here. I’ll add to it occasionally when I have time. I’ve included the age at the end of each quote to help put them in context.
- For the third day in a row we find stuffed animals in our shower. Sasquatch looks at them and says “gonna take a shower” (2 years)
- While I made sandwiches, Sasquatch spun in a circle until she crashed into the cupboards. She got up and started twirling again. But after a second she stopped, said “that’s enough” and sat down. (2 years)
- Sasquatch counting chips with Sir Smiley, “1, 2, 3, 4. Yay! 2 chips! (2 years)
- “She’s taking a bath” says Sasquatch to her last cheerio floating in milk. (2 years)
- “It’s Jesus!” says Sasquatch pointing at a picture of Kevin Garnett on a Wheaties box. (2 years)
- After straining and grunting on the toilet, Sasquatch looks at me and solemnly tells me, “It’s too hard!” (2 years)
- While grocery shopping Sasquatch goes up to some cucumbers, fondles them while saying, “Oooooooo, that’s nice!” (2 years)
- Me, “It’s hot outside!”. Sasquatch “Better blow on it Mommy!” (2 years)
- Sasquatch, “What’s that?”. Me, “That’s a pear.”. Sasquatch, “Oh, a carrot!” (2.5 years)
- We meet my parents at a restaurant. Sasquatch walks up to them, gestures to me and says, “This is my mom.” (3 years)
- Me to Sir Smiley, “He was a tough nut to crack!”. Sasquatch, “No to crack!” (3 years)
- Sasquatch has her dolls lined up facing the wall. I ask her what they’re doing and she says, “They’re crying. They’re naughty.”. (3 years)
- While I am trying to talk to Sir Smiley, Sasquatch is running around “singing” at the top of her lungs. I tell her she needs to sing quietly. She looks at me with a stern look and says, “I’m talking to God!”. Then she keeps singing loudly as she walks out the room. (3.5)
- First time working on verses for Cubbies: Me, “Can you say ‘God loved us?'”Sasquatch, “Nope, he doesn’t”Me, “God loved us.”Sasquatch, “Yeah he does!”Me, “Can you say ‘Sent his son?'”Sasquatch, “That would be fun! Daddy, do you want to go to the sun?”Me, “Can you say ‘God loved us?'”Sasquatch, “I just want to go to the Y”. (3.5)
- Sasquatch, “Mommy, there was a booger coming it my nose but I put it back in” (4 years)
- Sasquatch, “My baby giraffe is obstructed” (4 years)
- Sir Smiley, “What kind of money is that over there?”. Sasquatch, “quarters and diamonds!” (4 years)
- Sir Smiley, “Can you say ‘done’?”. Urpling, “go!” (2 years)
- Sasquatch sings the itsy bitsy spider. After she finishes she yells “Amen!” (4 years)
At some point during the day yesterday, Urpling managed to sneak into our room and set the alarm on our radio alarm clock to midnight and then turn it on. Since I always use my phone, I didn’t notice. I finally get all three kids into bed and head to bed. At midnight, about an hour after I drift off to sleep, the dulcet tones of Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” blares at full volume. ” WHOAAAAAAA!!! WE’RE HALFWAY THERE! OOOHHHHHH! LIVING ON A PRAYER!”. I thrash around, certain that we are under attack. Sir Smiley just bursts into laughter as I try to figure to what on earth is going on. I finally manage to turn it off, but by this point Urpling is up and crying. Sir Smiley, still laughing, takes pity on me and puts her back to bed. The song perfectly expresses many of my nights.
My bible study leader has a great saying… Why do I tell you stories? So you can feel better about yourself.
I have two reasons I decided to blog. The first one has to do with that saying. Too often we moms have a tendency to posture for one another, to look good. I find the result to be moms who feel ashamed of their mistakes and struggles as a parent. So why do I blog? So you can feel better about yourself.
Second reason: Being a stay at home mom has led me to discover, shockingly enough, that spending all day in a house with three kids five and under is not very intellectually stimulating. So I thought maybe trying to write a blog might be difficult enough that I will stop over analyzing every small detail of my life. It is purely for my own entertainment. I also wanted to have a place to store all my own entertaining stories about life with three kids (which I have entitled keeping the peace at home) and all the stories my hubby comes home with from life as a police officer (entitled keeping the peace abroad).
Which brings me to an important point. In this blog, like Dragnet, I have changed the names to protect the innocent (and not so innocent). I am also purposely ambiguous about where I live to protect my family and also my husband and his department. So if you know me, please don’t use our names or locations in any comments. Thanks!
Me Hmmm, random facts about me. I am a Christian. God rocks. I am a nerd, I love Felcia Day and her Youtube channel Geek and Sundry. I also play World of Warcraft. (Don’t judge me) I have also taken up training for various triathlons and half marathons. It has yet to help me lose much weight but there is always hope. I am introverted but social so I am a walking contradiction. I am also shockingly insecure at times. I have a phone phobia. I hate talking on the phone and would always rather text. I have a twisted sense of humor. If that bothers you…this isn’t the place for you.
Sir Smiley – my husband. He’s a cop, but he’s crazy funny and just crazy so he never strikes people as one. He’s a bit OCD, a trait which the oldest two children have inherited. (the jury is still out on the youngest)
Sasquatch – the nickname given our oldest for her large birthweight. (10 lbs) Ironically she’s a beanpole now. She is uber verbal and literally can’t ever seem to stop talking. She provides a running narrative of all we do…all the time.
Urpling – the nickname given the middle child for her constant trail of urp left in her wake once she learned to crawl. This one is a bit of a Diva, and may suffer from a hormonal imbalance. When she is happy she is the sweetest girl, but watch out because at any moment she may plummet into the depths of woe. She will also eat anything. We have bribed her to eat lasagna by promising her broccoli. Her conversation skills are lacking…to say the least…but she makes up for it with facial expressions.
King Toot – this seems self explanatory. He’s now one. We joked a out changing his nickname to vector. When he wants something…nothing will stop him. He is as active as Sasquatch and as stubborn as Urpling and ridiculously cute so he gets away with everything.
Important Notes!!!!This blog is not for the perfect parent. There will be jokes about how frustrating kids are, and also mistakes about my failures as a parent. I will joke about the stresses and difficulties of parenting. So if you find it distasteful to joke about such things…this is definitely not the blog for you. If you are hypersensitive about political correctness I suggest you move along. I’m not crude, I try to be respectful, but in the end I enjoy finding humor in all situations. Which means I will find police stories humorous that may well fit into various stereotypes including but not excluded to trailer parks, transients, drug addicts, prostitutes, etc. I tell real stories about real people with a humorous twist. I will not use their real names and these stories are not meant to have some deep meaning about society at large. But I find them funny…and this is my blog…so if you don’t like it you are welcome to leave. I moderate comments and will remove comments that I find in poor taste or which instigate arguments.
I usually keep it light but no guarantees.
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Update: So I have been blogging for 8 months now. I thought I should update this page. My oldest is almost 5, Urpling is now 3 and our youngest is now a year old. This blog has helped a lot with keeping a sense of humor in difficult situations. It has not deterred my over-obsessiveness and over analyzing of pretty much anything. But it has kept it from spewing onto Sir Smiley as much. I am slowly developing my own style of writing (whether that is a good thing or not remains to be seen) and right now that seems to include a lot of … I love using them to create those dramatic or comedic pauses I use in my head but struggle to translate onto paper…er…screen. (see, I used them right there!). Hopefully I can make it to a year!