A Classy Exit

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I used to be a punctual person. I was scattered and disorganized about a lot of things…my room ws atrocious, my school notes unreadable, my checkbook was never balanced…but at least I was always on time. Now it seems I rarely am. It was a downhill slide ever since I ceased to be a single entity. With each addition there is more and more variables to juggle just to get out the door. Sir Smiley has a very specific routine to get out the door. So I simply memorized it and helped him with the steps. I was late occasionally but soon started to get the nuances of married life and started to be on time for things again. (please don’t ask how many years that took). Then we added Sasquatch. Suddenly there were a million things to bring with…bottles, diapers, wipes, change of clothes, toys, snacks, cups, baggies, butt cream, sanitizer, first aid kit (which in all honesty is a ziplock with band aids in it). But I finally worked through all the ins and outs of the diaper bag even. I finally started to get a handle on getting out the door.

Fast forward a couple more kids later and you think I would finally have everything running smoothly. Now Sasquatch is relatively self sustaining. She can dress herself, put on her own shoes, and even help me collect items we need. Even Urpling can put on her flip flops or slip on boots by herself. They even all walk now. But I still can’t seem to just walk out the door.

Today is an excellent example. We’re all dressed, every diaper changed, the bathrooms have been used, diaper bag is packed. I grab up King Toot and announce we’re heading out. Urpling and Sasquatch both want to wear their slip on boots. Great, because that means I don’t even have to put on Urpling’s shoes. This will be a piece of cake! I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. First, she starts yelling at me because she wanted to know if she was putting them on the right feet and I wasn’t looking at her because King Toot had tried to take a swan dive onto the floor from my arms because I wasn’t walking out the door fast enough. (I’m sure the grammar in that sentence alone is atrocious but it’s late and I don’t care enough to check) I look and see that she is and then go to check on Sasquatch who is now twirling a blanket around her instead of putting on her footwear. I redirect her and then turn around to see Urpling walking around the corner with her boots on the wrong feet. How she managed to switch them to completely different feet in the five seconds I was gone is beyond me. I tell her to switch them and she kicks them off and announces she wants to wear socks and shoes instead. By this point we are running late and King Toot wants to get down so he’s thrashing around, making holding him similar to holding a 35 lb. trout. I inform Urpling she can wear her boots or flip flops but not her shoes…as we’re now in a hurry and I can’t go find her socks, put them on her, then find her shoes and put those on her in a timely manner. Urpling starts to wail like our dog just died a horrific death right in front of her and collapses to the floor as the agony of it all consumes her. I have to put King Toot down by now to deal with her and he then wanders into the family room and tries to climb into the fireplace…covering his hands and arms in soot. Racing to grab him before he smears it all over his face and hair, I get him to the bathroom and scrub his hands and arms while yelling at Urpling to calm down and put some kind of footwear on. By this point Sasquatch has put her boots on and is standing by the door (she’s now my favorite). Urpling puts her boots on and then walks slowly out the door to the van…wailing the entire way. King Toot is also now shrieking because he hates being held and he dropped his favorite toy of that second on the ground. I have to fetch it, as it is right behind the wheel of the van. King Toot is refusing to bend so that trying to buckle him into his carseat is like trying to buckle a log of wood. I finally force him to bend at the middle and get one arm through…but as I go for the other arm he slips the first one out. Meanwhile, Urpling is still shrieking but now it’s because Sasquatch hit her and has chucked her boots on the floor. I finally get everyone buckled in and then realize I have forgotten my keys. I then leave…ten minutes later than I planned. This is a truly classy way to exit…far less boring than just grabbing your keys and leaving.

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