Top 10 ways my life is more awesome now that I have kids.

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So…I was pondering today about some of the ways kids have changed my life. I’ll be honest, they drive me insane sometimes. Being an introvert, I love my personal space and time in my head…which has significantly decreased since bearing offspring. But some things have indeed improved. It’s nice to ponder them on occasion.
So here is my top 10 list of how my life has indeed improved since I had these three small bundles of emotion:

10. I get to drive in the HOV lane. There is a perk to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever being alone. I don’t often have to sit in traffic. In fact, to drive to my sister’s house or to see my parents there is a HOV lane that runs practically from my front steps to their driveway…or something like that.

9. Built in remote control. One of my favorite Weird Al songs on his new album is “Inactive”. The lyrics run something like this:
The TV’s on, I really hate this show
I can’t reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it’s a cramped space, but it’s my place
I’m really inactive, I’m so inactive
I’m really inactive, highly inactive
(Yankovic, 2014)
Yeah…except thanks to my kids my problem isn’t that I can’t reach my remote control. I don’t even know where it is. But that doesn’t really matter since two out of my three children can work our electronic devices better than I can. No need to get up to change the channel…my kids can do that.

8. It’s like having a slightly incompetent assistant. Very well meaning, yet incompetent assistants. My kids love to help me. Of course it usually takes ten minutes of explanations before Urpling can figure out where the object I need her to fetch is (spoiler alert: it was next to her left foot). But I still have a plethora of small human beings at my disposal to fetch and carry things for me.

7. Cable has been rendered unnecessary. Dinner at our house is better than any reality TV show. We had friends over for dinner tonight, and between King Toot’s dramatic refusal to eat one slice of carrot and Sasquatch belching in someone’s face with such force that would put a middle-school boy to shame, the entertainment was non-stop. Life is full of enough bizarre scenarios, cheesy dialogue, and slap-stick comedy to fill several channels for years to come.

6. Pushy vendors avoid eye contact in the mall. You know the ones…they have the little vending stands in the hallways and pounce on you to give you a sales pitch. Well, I walk by with my entourage of small children where Sasquatch is twirling and prancing like a ballerina, Urpling is running all over the place yelling, “look at me!”, and King Toot is screaming because we wouldn’t spend $40 on that Buzz Lightyear doll…not one of them tries to sell me anything. Not only that, if I look at them, they look away and avoid my gaze. It’s wonderful.

5. I get to play with toys. I’ve recently gotten in touch with my inner child. I’ve rediscovered the joys of making forts, coloring in coloring books, dressing up dolls, and playing house. I race cars on racetracks and climb trees. I forgot how much I missed that, and here is a chance to do it all again!

4. The food. I got all responsible and adult like and stopped eating Mac and Cheese, Lunchables, and Goldfish. Now I buy them. Mainly because they are worth their wait in gold when they can get my kids to sit quietly for a few minutes when I’m about to lose it…but the added bonus is that I get to munch on these treats as well. Seriously, goldfish is tasty.

3. Blogging. I love being able to write, and my kids have given me unending amounts of material. Never wrote much before kids (except in college and the topics were a little less amusing. I love not having to cite sources according APA) but now I do, and I get to choose the topic.

2. They make me look good…sometimes. Urpling is obsessed with making my bed recently. I’ve been married 10 years and I’ve never made my bed during all that time. But every morning, Uprling emerges from my room, grabs my hand and says, “Close your eyes!”. She leads me to my room and then yells, “Ta-la!” with a dramatic display with her hands. And there is my bed…maybe not perfectly made but looking a whole lot better than I left it. My kids do things like that for me. (They also scream in public, hit each other, or cover me in various compounds of which I am often scared to examine…but let’s focus on the good here.)

1. The snuggles…and the giggles. Nothing in the entire world will ever match the sound of my kids squealing in laughter, or the feel of their little arms around my neck or waist. King Toot even works it more by gently patting me on my back. Seriously, the feels guys. The feels.

My kids drive me up a wall, but they are my little treasures and sometimes I just need to sit and remember that.

Yankovic, A. (July 15, 2014). Inactive. On Mandatory Fun. [Digital audio]. Los Angeles, California: RCA. (September 4, 2012)

Yes…I just cited Weird Al according to APA style. *puts on glasses* I’ve still got it…

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