Online dating: should come with a Surgeon General’s warning…

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Warning: this is not for the faint of heart. Sir Smiley was not the first on scene for this lovely encounter. A co-worker arrived first to a fight call. He shows up and hears a jingling sound from behind the house. He investigates and discovers a woman who had evidentially scaled a chain link fence and was doing “the turtle”…i.e. barrel rolling down a hill. But this was not an attempt to escape apparently since she then wanders back to the house.
Sir Smiley shows up on the scene and gets the low down. Apparently, this couple met online and “hooked up” for the night. The girl (we’ll call her Ms. Hook Up) professes her love for the guy (Mr. Hook Up), and he did not reciprocate the feeling. He asks her to leave and then he himself leaves for a month long vacation. When he gets back, he discovers Ms. Hook Up has moved into his house.
So by the time Sir Smiley arrives, Ms. Hook Up was in the driveway telling the other officers they should leave. She also was telling Mr. Hook Up that she needed to stay. She pleaded with him, saying she sold her house, and that she loves him. Mr. Hook Up is pleading with the officers to remove her from his property. The officers called for a taxi for Ms. Hook Up, but the taxi got lost and took over an hour to get there. Meanwhile Ms. Hook Up continues to declare her undying love for Mr. Hook Up, begging him to let her stay. “But, Babe…” “There is no Babe! I don’t even know you!” “But what about us?” “There is no us!” To say she was drunk was an understatement and she had no concept of personal space. She spent her time orbiting between the officers that were present and Mr. Hook Up, and every time she approached someone they spent the conversation back stepping away from her. Mr. Hook Up started announcing that he would pay obscene amounts of money to the taxi driver that would get her out of there. He even called the cab company a second time and said he would grossly overpay whoever comes to take her away. The cab finally arrived and Mr. Hook Up apologized to the cab driver saying the driver could hate him for the rest of his life but just get her away from here…and then proceeded to shove a wad of cash in the driver’s face. In the end, Mr. Hook Up spent the afternoon with this unexpected roommate before she finally left.
Moral of the story: Too many to name here.

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The Pizza that Told it All…

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Sir Smiley received a call about a motorcycle accident on a busy road…at night. Upon arrival he sees a skid mark, a pizza box, and something liquid spilled on the road. About a hundred feet away there was a motorcycle, someone lying on the road covered in a blanket, and someone in a motorcycle jacket sitting on the curb next to blanket person. The person covered in a blanket is alive, and blinks her eyes when questioned. Sir Smiley asks the apparent driver of the motorcycle if blanket person was wearing a helmet. He responds by saying, “Who her? I don’t even know her.” So then Sir Smiley inquires as to whether blanket person was riding on the motorcycle. He responds with, “I was just coming from…sushi.”

It now appears sushi man and blanket person are useless in determining what actually happened. Sir Smiley turns to the now gathering crowd and asks if anyone had seen the accident. Everyone says no and leaves. So now he’s left with a pizza box, a crashed motorcycle, sushi man, and blanket person. There is also a strong aroma of alcohol and some broken glass that appears to be from a bottle. Blanket person is still clutching a handbag which has a partially consumed, intact, “forty” in it (a forty ounce bottle of booze).

Blanket person and sushi man go to the hospital whereupon they are patched up and ultimately survive. In the meantime, Tat and Sir Smiley are left with the motorcycle and the pizza box.
Sir Smiley walks to Tat’s car to chat, and Tat jumps out and exclaims, “I got it!” He then tells Sir Smiley the saga. The pizza box in the roadway contained fresh, warm pizza from the restaurant across the street. Highly intoxicated blanket person, with “forty” in hand, purchases dinner and attempts to walk home, crossing the street midblock…in the dark. After successfully crossing seven lanes of traffic with only four feet to go, she is struck by the motorcycle…leaving the tell-tale pizza behind. She is able to hold the forty for a split second longer but loses grip fifty feet down the road. The bottle smashes on the road, splashing sushi man and blanket person prior to their landing fifty feet later.

The moral of the story: Frogger, pizza, and alcohol do not mix. But at least the cops will know what happened…even if you don’t.

Criminal Minds is an oxymoron…

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Finally, I have managed to drag another police story out of Sir Smiley! It really could be entitled, “10 ways to get caught” or “crime fighting for dummies”. Two separate incidents, same day, where the crime practically solved itself.

Michigan calls and wants Sir Smiley’s PD to go find a guy at a specific address to extradite him. So Sir Smiley and some coworkers go to ring the doorbell. First they get the history on the guy. Then they visit the house. All was quiet, but there was the tell-tale foil lined windows. It was a typical CHUDly house (citizens having urban difficulties). No one is home so they pack it up to head out. Sir Smiley checks with the neighbor and she didn’t know anything about the house or its occupants. But she tells her son who then tells the occupant of the house, when he gets home, that the police were looking for him.
Fast forward to later in the evening and Sir Smiley is advised by the radio supervisor that the occupant may be home. It seems they had received a call asking why they were at the CHUDly house. When they asked for his name he promptly cussed them out and hung up. Apparently the house’s occupant called the police to find out why the cops were there. So Sir Smiley goes to check on him and sure enough the guy was trying to flee his home and they caught him. What better way to clue the cops in that your home than to call them and practically tell them?

Same night, shoplifting call comes through. The shoplifter fled the scene and was spotted first at a furniture store, then north at a trailer park, then south to another trailer, east over the fence…all the while slowly ditching stolen clothes…then Sir Smiley finally caught up with him a few blocks away. As they approach him he starts yelling, “I stole those clothes to give to my dope dealer!” (all but negating the need to have witnesses ID him) Then when they found his needles he freely explains that he used those to shoot up heroin, so no need to prove that he used them for drug use.

This only goes to show…Criminal Minds is an oxymoron.

People I hope were too drunk to vote…

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I am a little late, but these all happened the same night. The night before elections. These are people I hope were too drunk to vote:

Person Number One: He calls in to report that several subjects robbed him. After the call came out the responding officer asked dispatch what this “stuff” was. The reply came back, his wallet and his marijuana was stolen. Not only that, but after officers arrived they discovered he had been trespassed from the complex he was now in…numerous times. So naturally instead of getting his marijuana back he gets arrested for trespassing instead. The moral of this story: don’t go to a complex you’re banned from and your marijuana won’t be stolen while you are arrested.

Person Number Two: A fellow officer was directing traffic away from a fatal car accident in front of a local gas station. While there, a woman runs from the gas station carrying beer. A clerk is following her out and seeing the officer yells, “She stole that beer!” The officer tells her to put down the beer and she yells back, “No! It’s mine!” Apparently she really thought possession was 9/10s of the rule. He arrested her (duh) and asked her if she had noticed the cops out front. Her response,”I thought you were too busy!”

Person Number Three: Some guy gets in a cab claiming to have money and gets in the cab. They drive around for a bit until the cab driver realized he didn’t really have a set destination. Turns out he had no money but thought that would be okay since they had such a nice conversation. He finally offers his new Smartphone in exchange for the ride and the driver accepts.

Yeah…so not sure how to cleverly end this post so….the end.

Tweaker Heaven…or Hell

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This post is actually a guest post of sorts. It comes from a fellow officer of Sir Smiley..whom we shall refer to as Tat…and was actually a status from his facebook page. It was a status, and several comments…some comments I have included for your amusement. Basically, being a Police Officer is often like being a parent. Only those behaving like my 4, 2, and 7 month old children are usually in their 20s and 30s (or older). So here is a glimpse into my hubby’s world:

Tat’s Status:

Visualize with me. Lady calls because she wants her tweaked out roommate kicked out. She is tweaked out of her mind as well and has sores all over her face. I explain to her that he needs to be evicted. Thought that took care of it. I get a 2nd call from Walgreens. They say a lady is hiding behind the counter. I get there and sure as shit she’s behind the counter, she tells me she’s charging her cell phone. Management walks by and says shes fine, she can stay til they close. Lol O.K. She proceeds to tell me that her roommate has destroyed the house, smeared food all over the walls and cut the lines to the water causing the apartment to flood. I tell her if I go there and she’s imagining this, I’m taking her to jail. So for shits and giggles I made the wrong decision and go there. I round the corner and sure as shit there is a waterfall coming out the front door. I clear for another unit. In the mean time tweaker roommate comes out like no big deal and asks whats going on lol. I have him sit on the wall as I take a gander inside. Bad decision. I got water up to my boots and it’s coming down the ceiling from upstairs. He had 2 ovens on and one was catching fire. Also an electric heater and fan going. Dude cut the lines to the sink upstairs and the washer downstairs. I’m unplugging shit trying not to get electrocuted as the ceiling is getting ready to collapse on me. Then I apparently leaned on the wall as the left side of my uniform was covered in what I hope to be tartar sauce. Got the water turned off and didn’t get electrocuted. Dude tells me he had no idea what happened, he just woke up of course. I in the mean time have forgotten about the lady who apparently is working for free at Walgreens behind the register, but before I get to her she calls 911 and says that her roommate has just tried to stab her with a switch blade. Even tho they are a mile apart. I then go back and talk to her where I ask her about calling 911 for the apparent knife attack. She didn’t remember making that call. Dude leaves and I take her back to the apartment. I get back to the station when she calls 911 again because the roommate came back. He forgot his porn. Seriously. I don’t know how I did it but apparently God is pissed at me.

Comments:

Tat: We should make this into a “don’t do drugs” commercial.

2eyes: By far the best call of the week….I could not stop laughing! And just for the record she told me she doesn’t do meth, she used to use herion but today she did a little blow.

2eyes also posted on Tat’s wall: Best call of the night last night was when “Tat” decided to see if the tweeker chic he was talking to at Walgreen’s for the 4th time was really telling the truth when she told him her roomate smeared food on the walls and cut the water lines at her apartment…sure as shit it was about 6″ deep and flowing out the front door. He even cut the water line upstairs so the ceiling looked like a waterfall and was about ready to collapse. And if that wasn’t enough he plugged in every working appliance in the place, turned on the stove and the oven and by the time “Tat” got there, there was smoke And yes there was food on the walls…he had smeared everything he could find in the fridge throughout the apartment. (I found the BBQ that was on the door frame) But the best quote of the night was when “Tat” first got there “Can you roll me another unit? I’m in tweeker heaven here and there is water everywhere!” followed by “Can someone turn this water off?”; then “can someone shut this electricity off before I get electrocuted in here?” Holy Hell I couldn’t stop laughing…..sometimes I really do LOVE my job!!!

So there you have it folks….just another day in the life of a Police Officer…

Are you laughing now?

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The other day I called Sir Smiley at work to see how he was doing. It was a fascinating conversation, all because of the “passenger” he had in the back. All I hear is some woman wailing, repeating over and over, “Why are you laughing at me?” I found this funny since neither Sir Smiley nor his partner, Heavy Metal, were laughing. To be honest they sounded irritated at best. I hear her begging to go home and Heavy Metal explaining that she will go home, just not tonight because that’s what happens when you kick a police officer. So, let me give you a little background on this whole situation. Sir Smiley and Heavy Metal had gotten a call about a drunk driver. On their way to scene they actually spot the vehicle. So they pull her over. Is she drunk? Well, she couldn’t figure out how to roll down her window when she was asked, couldn’t turn off her car, and when asked to get out she proceeded to unlock the unlocked door. So you tell me. But just to be fair, they give her a sobriety test. She fails spectacularly. So they give her more official tests (breath, blood, etc.). But she is rather upset by all this and begins screaming. Sir Smiley said it was shockingly reminiscent of when Urpling throws her fits. With about the same vocabulary. “I want to go home!”, “Where’s my mommy?”, “When am I going to see the judge?”, and “Why are you laughing at me?” became the mantra that she repeated over and over and over and over again. During this time she also proceeds to kick one of the police officers. After all this they put her in the car to take her to take her to the station for booking. This is when I call. Are we all caught up? So I start chuckling because she really does sound exactly like my 2 or 4 year old, except maybe a bit more bratty. But then I start to hear the most spectacular whacking sound in the background. It sounds like a rubber ball being thrown full force against the wall. But of course instead of a rubber ball, it was the “passenger’s” face and instead of a wall it was the the barrier between the front and back seat. I hear Air Smiley telling her to knock it off, and her response in between thwacks was to yell, “Are you laughing now?”. Apparently it seemed like a good idea to cause massive head injuries to herself purely out of spite. Yeah, because that will really show them. Sir Smiley tells her again to knock it off or he’ll pull over and finally tells me he needs to go. (for obvious reasons). Apparently she did finally stop and they managed to book her. All I have to say is thank goodness the only tantrums I deal with come from actual toddlers, not 23 year olds.