Boys will be boys

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I have about thirty ideas for my blog and haven’t written one. You may wonder way. Well…let me ease your mind. I have been too exhausted to write. I have been too exhausted because I have been spending about 90% of my day thwarting my son’s near death experiences. He has now entered what I will call the “Bullheaded, Stubborn, Fit Throwing, Need to Endanger Myself” phase. You think I’m exaggerating? That it can’t possibly be that bad? Well…anyone who spends five minutes with my son has said…word for word…the exact same thing to me, “He’s all boy!” What does that mean exactly? Here are a few ideas.

Aggressive tendencies. While I am cooking with scalding substances, his favorite activity is to walk up and shove on my legs with all his weight to move me out of the way. He literally cuts me off at the knees. He will also roll on top of his sisters to get them to pay attention to him. He throws his cup at me when he has decided he is done with his meal. He is NEVER gentle.

He plays with reckless abandon. He will climb any and every object. He likes to climb our kid sized rocking chair, stand on its arms and then rock it back and forth with his feet. He carries the stool from the bathroom to the kitchen to have better access to all the treasures on the counter. He will climb out of the cart, onto the conveyer belt at the grocery store. His favorite game outside is to climb the large slide to the top…on his own.

He has an insatiable curiosity and moves like a ninja. He wants to explore. But in order to achieve this goal he moves with the silence of a ninja. Three times this weekend he managed to sneak past myself and even groups of people in the garage, and sneak out into the front yard without anyone knowing. Bet that looked awesome to the neighbors to see me close the garage door with my one year old wandering around the front yard on his own…unattended. He also climbed the futon in daddy’s room and pulled a tack off the wall and started chewing on it. Yep, like it was chewing gum. I look over (that’s right…I was SITING RIGHT THERE) and see him chewing on something and then shriek in horror when I pull and sharp tack out of his mouth.

With each and every one of the situations I have rescued him from certain death. But what is my thanks? A fit. Not just any fit…but a dramatic, going boneless, collapse-on-the-floor-for-the-agony-of-it-all fit. So there. I have offered my proof…if King Toot lives to see 2, I will be a miracle worker. Excuse me, I need to go collapse in bed while the house is still quiet. Hopefully he won’t rip apart a stuffed animal and then choke on the pieces while I sleep.

Note: He’s REALLY cute and knows how to work it which is part of his survival skills I think. And more proof he is a boy…I let him see himself in the camera and his first reaction was to see what half-masticated food looked like in his mouth.

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Top Ten Inventions

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Here is another Top 10 List. This is the Top 10 Inventions that someone needs to invent.

10. Friendly and angry car horns. My horn always sounds angry. Which is fine when some jerk almost killed myself and my progeny to save three seconds of travel time. But in those moments where I just want to send a friendly hello or to let someone know the light turned green I need a happy sounding horn.

9. GPS for everything. Not just my phone…but my keys, wallet, credit cards and kids. I lose everything.

8. All purpose doctor’s note. Cause I never have one when I need one.

7. Back to the future Hover board. Oh, and where’s my bathroom fax machine?

6. Van intercom. My kids constantly try to talk to me from the back of the van and I never have any idea what they’re trying to say. They are louder than anything on the planet until we get in the van and then they mumble. An intercom so I can hear them clearly would be awesome.

5. Dog roomba. Doesn’t vacuum or sweep but goes outside and picks up dog poop every time they do their “business”.

4. Mute button. Like the easy button but puts up an invisible sound barrier and gives me blessed silence whenever I so desire.

3. Husband/wife translator. Just turn it on, say something and let it translate to your spouse for you.
Wife: The kids are driving me crazy! Translation: You need to take the kids and let me take an uninterrupted shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes or we will make the evening news.

2. Personal Assistant. Not a PDA. (did that date me or what? Maybe iPhone smartphone or something like that would be more up to date…). I never remember to enter things into my phone. This needs to anticipate my every move. It should hear me make appointments and enter them without my asking. Basically, it needs to be smarter than me.

1. Rosie. Really, many of these would be unnecessary if I had Rosie from the Jetsons. Now that would be awesomesauce.

Top Ten : Facebook Pet Peeves

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I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love keeping up with friends and family, that I can post pics and videos for relatives that live too far to see my kids regularly, and I love all those funny little memes. But there are some things that annoy me about Facebook…

10. I hate the timeline. Nothing seems to be posted in order. So if someone makes a reference to a previous status that I somehow missed….I can never seem to find it. Plus, I am close minded and hate change.

9. The time I have wasted on Facebook. It sucks you in like a vortex and you never escape. But afterwords…I can never remember what on Earth I did that kept me entertained for so long. It must be a conspiracy…

8. It really annoys me that any picture I like gets splattered onto all my friends walls. Not everyone has the same political views, religious views, parenting style, etc. So I may find a meme or article funny, but I can’t even use the like button because I don’t want to offend friends who may not….appreciate…the same humor.

7. Why is there not a dislike button? Someone posts about someone dying, or the crappy day they’ve had…I can’t exactly “like” that. I am not sadistic…well…all the time.

6. Random people friending me whom I have never met before. Stop that…it creeps me out. (I’m not talking about people you haven’t talked to in a long time or are acquaintances with…that doesn’t bother me. But I used to get random friends of friends of friends trying to friend me.) I am not on here to make friends…just keep the ones I have.

5. Typing so no one can understand. I’m talking about the new texting version of our written language. You know: OMG u c my bf! lol gtg. Wow…sometimes I feel brain cells dying. (and I’m terrible at grammar, so it’s not like my standards are super high).

4. I am guilty of this one. I love seeing people’s kids, and their pictures. But even my enthusiasm flags when someone posts hundreds of pictures at once. I have done it too…but I don’t really expect anyone but my in-laws to look at them. I have learned it’s best to use the trickle down method…upload a few at a time.

3. Speaking of trickle down..political statuses. I don’t mind articles or pictures. I may find them mildly annoying, but you can tell its an article or picture before you read it. I just skim past those babies if I’m not in the mood. But those Facebook statuses are sneaky…like ninjas. You think you’re going to see how someone is doing and then *BAM* you’re hit with some political rant and let’s be honest….I’m not getting those wasted seconds back.

2. Vague status updates. I log onto Facebook to find out how you’re doing. A status that reads, “Ugh” or “I hate my life” doesn’t help me in that purpose. You don’t have to give the dirty details, but maybe a little clarification would be helpful or why bother posting? Note: it is a different thing entirely when people just ask for prayer. At least then it has a purpose even if I don’t know the specifics.

1. Those pictures that are like chain e-mails…you know, “Like if you hate cancer, ignore if you don’t” or “like if you love Jesus, keep scrolling if you’re ashamed of him”. The picture below is the only one of those I have actually shared. See number 8 about the issue with liking pictures. I don’t want to like a picture that will go on someone else’s wall and lay a big, old guilt trip on them. That’s not how I roll. Plus, I have the personality of a mule…if someone tells me I HAVE to do something, my automatic reaction is to want to do the opposite. Just ask my mom, I was a joy to raise.

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So you don’t think I’m ragin’…here is a smiley face 🙂 and I’ll add the “go to” lol so you all know how happy I am….;) lol (not just a smiley face…a winky face…I’m feeling mischievous now)

Top 10 Chores I Hate to Do

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I have decided to follow in the footsteps of David Letterman and start my own Top Ten Lists. First up….chores I hate to do. Surprisingly, things like: cleaning toilets, scrubbing counters, and vacuuming do not end up on this list (I have a new vacuum and it rocks…this has improved that chore immensely). But here are my Top Ten of chores I hate to do:

1. Laundry. Not doing laundry, but folding it. (Sir Smiley used to be so proud of helping me when he would run the washer and dryer…until I explained that wasn’t the hard part). To clarify even more, I hate folding laundry with small children around bombarding me with pieces of laundry in some form of weird entertainment. Even more…I hate folding fitted sheets….I always end up scrunching it down into a small ball and piling the other sheets on top to keep it smushed.

2. Brushing other people’s teeth. I have no idea why, but I hate brushing my kids teeth. Maybe it has to do with all the drooling, foamy, nasty toothpaste they seem to just let dribble (or pour) out of their mouths and down their chins. *shudder

3. Doing hair. I don’t mind it on occasion…but my girls are not fans of having their hair done…Urpling acts as though acts of torture are being performed if I even brush her hair. So now I hate it.

4. Wiping faces and mouths. None of my kids enjoyed this. They would (and do) scream bloody murder if I touched their faces. King Toot likes to grab the washcloth with a death grip and try to eat it while I attempt to wipe his face. It’s tedious work.

5. Emptying garbages. Again, not sure why, but I will squash the thing to overflowing before I take it out. Usually Sir Smiley does it.

6. Budgeting, paying bills, or anything related to money. Not because I don’t like spending money, but because I suck at it. Majorly. Sir Smiley took those responsibilities away from me…or we would have no money…or no idea how much money we have.

7. Getting gas. Especially if it’s hot out. I want to stay in the AC. I see those movies, like Air Force
One, where planes get fueled mid air by a tanker, and I think, “When I’m rich and famous, I’ll do that with my van and never have to fuel up again…”

8. Giving baths. I have yet to find a way to give baths where I don’t have to hunch over and hurt my back, get half-drowned by water, or have to clean “floaters” (use your imagination…what is brown, gross, and floats?) out of the tub and rewash everything.

9. Changing poopy diapers. This should be fairly self explanatory.

10. Running errands. I usually have three kids in tow, and if I have to visit more than one location it becomes work! You have to unbuckle, carry or hold hands with kids, control them in the store, and then load and buckle them up again. It’s exhausting and you find yourself thinking…just for a second…I’ll only be gone a few minutes for this one. How bad could it be to just crack a window and leave them here for a minute. Of course, reason always wins out…but still.

So there you have it. There are more, but I don’t hate them…just find them mildly annoying. Plus, it’s a Top Ten list…so there’s only supposed to be ten.